Mitra's Method: Stephen "weezer" Spiteri's Age of Conan ColumnAge of Conan Editorial: The King and IMitra's Method: Stephen "weezer" Spiteri's Age of Conan Column - RSS 2.0
I had a chance encounter with the king of Aquilonia during the month. Okay, so it wasn't a chance encounter; I decided to ride my buckskin horse all the way to his doorstep, but what amazed me about this guy, Conan, is that he lets anyone who pleases come and see him, even if there's no point in the visit; he's happy just to make general chit-chat with you. What a guy! But fancy that: a guy like me, a humble servant of Aquilonia; a grunt, just being allowed to walk in to his throne room with the approval of his Black Dragon guards, and I'm spoken to by this Cimmerian-born monarch like we're old college roomies or something. He is, however, wary of me at the start, I mean, can you blame him? Security is so loose in that castle you could walk in there like Altair, with more daggers and blades strapped to your body than an overzealous butcher, and no one would so much as double-take at you.
I made certain I cleared the air with King Conan first: "Oh yeah, did I mention that I was - involuntarily - involved in a plot against you set in motion by your arch nemesis, Thoth-Amon?" He understood. Actually, he said, "That's okay; it's not every day a son or daughter of Aquilonia, Cimmeria, or Stygia is possessed by an ancient demon and forced against their own will to serve a tyrant" Obviously King Conan has never worked in retail!
So I get to talking to King Conan, and I tell him about what I have seen in the last couple of months as a new inhabitant of his kingdom and surrounding lands. I begin by telling him about those who would seek to do his will and protect the innocent within Hyboria from the clutches of the dark Thoth-Amon. I tell Conan that for no reason apart from simply being able to, even fellow countrymen are slaughtering each other in the battlefields and in places which would normally be deemed safe and secure. "Even the resurrection tablets?" Conan asked me. "Yes, even those" I replied. The look on Conan's face would have made surprised look surprised. He went on to tell me that even in open combat, there is a certain etiquette: "Give an opponent a chance to catch his breath. Yes, if you're confident in your blade, removing the head from his shoulders should not be a problem for you, even the second or third time over". "Okay, fair enough" I responded, "But what if I am beset upon by multitude of opponents. What should I do then?" I didn't see it coming, but King Conan gave me a back-hander so hard across my face that I came very close to spitting out the last of my good teeth. "You pox-ridden son of a whore!" He began "Is the answer not already clear?" I could see the servant ladies giggle into their hands as they looked upon me. "You take your blade in one hand and your balls in the other, by Crom, and you cut them down, one by one, and if Crom wills it you will have their heads on a pike like a Stygian shish!" What Conan was really trying to say to me (I think), was just to deal with the situation. Okay, I was now beginning to understand how this guy became king!