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The Professor Oak Personality Index

Andy Hughes | 3 Jan 2012 15:00
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In these confusing times of duplicity and virtual identities, it can be challenging to pinpoint exactly why people act the way they do. Fortunately, a time-tested system has emerged to help the baffled social agent make sense of the varieties of human experience. Behavioral scientists have determined that there are precisely 18 different types of personalities and have grouped them in accordance to socio-mythical archetypes in order to make them easy to understand and give them cultural resonance. Using the Professor Oak Personality Index to identify the dominant psychological profiles in your life will help you emerge from the sputtering waste-hole of angst in which you currently wallow and become a fully developed human being, you jerkoff. These types are easily identifiable through tell-tale character traits and are as follows:

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The Normal type person is average in most respects, responds to authority, and is possessed of no glaring abnormalities. They are not of exceptional ambition and tend to live meaningful, if ultimately self-contained and perhaps un-momentous lives. They are not immune to bouts of emotion, but their behavior is not dictated by such feelings, and can be found in most places, on paths, in tall grasses, or loitering on beaches. There are no situations in which Normal types are dominant, but neither are there many regrets and missed opportunities that bother them.

By contrast, a Fire type is one with raging and indignant appetites. Fueled by contempt for authority, they are often deliberately rebellious for rebellion's sake and have little patience for those they consider to be of lesser intelligence. Magnificent egoists, fire types are often very aggressive and notoriously difficult to pin down. As the name might suggest, these types of people are passionate but directionless, usually overpowered in social situations by types with stronger principles. As with most types, they become more powerful as they gain levels ... in life. Life levels.

At the opposite end of the spectrum lies the Water type, which is not only the most common but frequently the most called upon. Laid-back and sensible, their amiable nature puts them at odds (and gives them the upper hand) against punks and fanatics. They are usually creative and down to earth, making them popular but also easily pushed aside by louder and flashier opposition. Water types are more sociable and goal-oriented than Normal types, and usually have their own unique characteristics. They also tend to be good at surfing.

Few share the enormous optimism and energy of the Electric type, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Electric people are very good-natured and can stomach the harshest criticisms and abuse. They tend to be perky and good event organizers but also argumentative in a passive-aggressive way. Famous fictional characters of this type include Pikachu ... and that's about it.

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