Dark Age Of Camelot: Pluck Yew and Your Mother!

An urban legend has floated about the Internet for some time regarding the origins of a popular epithet which rhymes with the title of this column series, and the accompanying gesture. You can read the entire legend here, if you are interested. But it brings us around to one of the villain's favorite weapons: the insult.

Without the insult, our favorite villains would be but shadows of themselves. All clever, witty repartee would degenerate into boring conversation. No snappy comebacks, no verbal sparring! But just as it is the insult that often makes the villain, it is also the words that make the insult.

Too many people mishandle the insult. After all, it seems so very easy to put someone down. A little vulgarity, a question about your target's ancestry, and voila, instant insult, right? Wrong. Put down your favorite four letter word, because nothing shows a complete lack of creativity like bad language.

Don't believe me? Think about it. How often, during the day, do you hear those same colorful metaphors? Anymore, they are nearly as commonplace as any other part of the language. Only those without a shred of linguistic skill and a questionable intelligence quotient must fall back on them. Unless you are R. Lee Ermey, try for something better.

After all, when Hamlet so effectively insulted Claudius, he didn't need them. "Not where he eats, but where he is eaten: a certain convocation of politic worms are e'en at him. Your worm is your only emperor for diet: we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service, two dishes, but to one table: that's the end." (Hamlet, Act 4, Scene III.) The "king's progress through the guts of a beggar" scene demonstrated Hamlet's great disdain and loathing of his uncle without a single usage of vulgarity.

Shakespeare had a number of good insults. Why call someone stupid, when you can call them "brainsickly" or a "clodpole"? Or why use a common term for a loose woman, when instead you can call her a "callet" or a "flirtgills"? Your average knave can be insulted by calling him a "coxcomb" or my favorite, a "coystrill". Have you run across an impertinent fellow? Bestow upon him the title of "malapert", and tell that "princox" to hie hence.

And if you've found a drunken friar, be certain to tell that "purple-nosed malt worm" to sober up.

Ranted at by a robustious periwig-pated fellow? In all your splenetive anger, tell that want-wit to sneck up (go hang) before you must use terms compulsatory (force) to put him to the perpetual wink. Ask him if his mother tracked rabbits by scent. He probably will not understand, as he is likely as sharp as a sack of soggy field mice.

Take your time with your insults, and craft them as carefully as you would a flowery love poem for your lady fair. The put-down is an art form unto itself. Make it short and to the point, or protracted into a speech. Lay it out clearly for all to see, or disguise it in a compliment, using it to backhand your foe. Backhanded insults happen to be both my favorite and my specialty.

Take your first impulse and work with it. Instead of saying, "You moron!" you should really ponder what you are saying. "You are certainly not the brightest firefly in the swarm" sounds much better, as does, "Somewhere, a village is mourning the loss of its idiot." Do not be afraid of metaphors and allegorical inferences. Subtlety is your friend.

Do your research. I say this over and over again, but truly, read Shakespeare, Homer, Milton, whatever else you might enjoy. Surprisingly, you will find a host of insults and snappy comebacks just waiting to see the light of day.

Not feeling creative? Check out this page of pre-made insults, or this page of create-your-own cut-down building. You are certain to find something suitable.

Finally, remember that not everyone can take a joke, nor does everyone understand that such things are in character. Be certain that, if you are only insulting someone in character, you have told them your intention out of character. Be a villain, but be responsible. Also remember, Dark Age of Camelot is a family game. Keep your insults appropriate, and if you simply must imply something questionable, do so in a way that will fly over the heads of the young.

I apologize heartily to any who find this column offensive or inappropriate. After all, it is hardly your fault that your clan never discovered fire. In fact, you should be complimented that you have managed to find this website without the use of opposable thumbs.

...just kidding.