Asherons Call: Throne of Dark Destiny- Chapter XII: The FINAL Chapter!

"A joke is not a thing but a process, a trick you play on the listener's mind. You start him off toward a plausible goal, and then by a sudden twist you land him nowhere at all or just where he didn't expect to go."
~Max Eastman

Their swords clashed with a resounding screech that carried from atop the roof of the burning house where they fought, and hovered like the death cry of some sinister banshee over the battlefield of Arwic.

Ilumini's sword, taken from the dead body of a Viamontian Hand killed by Terline, showered white hot sparks as it locked with Contageous's weeping blade, and the two warriors snarled at one another as they fought.

"Last I recall, Lilly, you's was a whole lot better," said Contageous, beads of sweat like hundreds of tiny lights catching the glow from the two blades which slid like deadly razors against one another.

"Last I remember, you were a whole lot taller, sellsword," snarled Ilumini. He kicked Contageous in the knee while the mercenaries attention was focused on his sword, and it gave him just enough of a distraction to narrowly avoid a dagger Contageous had concealed within his sleeve. Its fine edge drew a crimson line of blood across Ilumini's chin, instead of across his throat where Contageous had aimed.

The two stood several feet apart now, swords raised defensively as they circled one another, like wild beasts focused on their prey, oblivious to the fire that roared and consumed the rooms in the building under the roof below their feet.

"I right reckon it's about time to settle our little dispute, Lilly." Contageous grinned, a yellowish decayed grin that would have sent a shudder down the spine of any man not accustomed to foul and unspeakable things. "Sees, I been doin' some thinking here lately 'bout you, and I think I finally figured on just what you are. . ."

Flames from the fire below had finally begun to puncture the roof with plumes of dirty, grey smoke that seeped towards the night sky. Contageous dashed forward and his weeping sent out a fresh spray of sparks as Ilumini's blade deflected it. The two men resumed their positions circling one another.

"That's some right fine melee defense training you got there, my friend."

"You pick stuff up as you go," replied Ilumini.

"In the civilized world I think they calls that stealin', Lilly."

"I'll keep that in mind while I'm looting your corpse."

Contageous lunged, his sword clashing once more with Ilumini's.

Then, he screamed.

Contageous hurled his sword to the floor and clutched desperately at his wrist, all the while spewing forth a multitude of curse words that would have made the stoutest supporter of free speech reconsider their stance on the subject.

"Contageous, are you ok?" Ilumini asked. He threw his own sword to the ground and rushed to examine Contageous's wounded wrist.

"No, I am not alright," snapped Contageous, pulling his brown leather glove off and waving a slightly red wrist in the air as though he were cheering on the appearance of Eminem in concert. He thrust his injured wrist indignantly towards Ilumini. "Just look at that!" he shouted.

"CUT, CUT, CUT!" bellowed Belthazor through the bullhorn he always laid beside the director's chair.

Cameras immediately stopped rolling in the studio with a noticeable groan from their crews, and the gas valve was shut off killing the fuel supply to the flames in the set's burning buildings. Immediately, all the fires died away.

"What in the name of Miramax is it now?" asked Belthazor, still speaking through the bullhorn microphone, even though he had walked to where Ilumini and Contageous now stood.

"Look!" howled Contageous, "One of the sparks from the sword pyrotechnics burned me on the wrist! Right there, where the skin is all red and the hair is gone. It's going to leave a blister!"

Belthazor slapped his forehead in disgust.

"Two weeks, folks. . ." Oh boy. Not the two weeks speech again. It was the third time today and Ilumini wasn't about to listen to it again. He walked off set, leaving Belthazor lecturing Contageous and prop engineers checking the swords to make sure they weren't defective.
"Two weeks until I have to have this film shot and on the editing floor ready for final cut. Does the concept of 'deadline' mean anything to you?"

"Don't tell me about deadlines, you over-pompous theater hack!" roared Contageous. Somehow, the redness of his wrist had crept into his face invited by Belthazor's abusive tone of voice.
"I went to the Manhattan Institute of Fine Arts to be an actor. I'm a thesbian! An artist that has been reduced to the role of a straw-chewing hick in a mediocre script for Asheron's Call: The movie. It's a tragedy I tell you!" he wept, throwing his hand to his forehead dramatically.

He stormed off the stage, still nursing his flushed wrist. Belthazor followed in hot pursuit, armed to the teeth with threats of impending unemployment.

"Broadway, the theater, but instead of calls from Spielberg or Cameron, I'm stuck working with a crappy script that wouldn't even be tolerable for a video game! Bemoaning my redneck heritage! I played Mr. Mephistopheles in CATS! It's not fair!"

"You better get your act together, or you'll never work in this town again. Do you hear me!" Belthazor had taken as much complaining as any one director could ever take, all the way to Contageous's trailer. Crew and cast alike scurried to get out of the way of the two rampaging egos. They knew, as well as Belthazor, that to replace Contageous this close to the end of filming would be disastrous. Instead, it was better to ignore any sudden tantrums.

They were lemon-filled, creme topped jelly doughnuts delivered fresh from Krispy Kreme every morning at eight o'clock sharp. They were, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Ilumini's favorite treat at the complimentary crew and cast refreshment table, and Sultress had gotten the last one. She stood beside him as they looked over a large platter adorned with a variety of cheese squares, arranged in a pleasing Asheron's Call logo by the caterers. He stuck a toothpick in a few squares of pepperjack and placed them on his paper plate. Sultress was slicing herself a few pieces of lime jello to top the mound of salad on her own plate.

"Let me guess, he broke a fingernail this time?" she asked, nonchalantly.

"Naw, he got burned by a spark this time."

"Bad?"

"Probably leave a nasty welt for awhile. Maybe even a blister if he keeps picking at it."

"Hmmm..I still think he's only mad because they couldn't get Van Diesel to play Asheron."

Zero Night rushed into the room, a steaming grande-sized cup of cappuccino with two shots of expresso, a dash of lowfat whip cream, and a touch of nutmeg, clutched protectively in his hands.

"Uh, Ilumini sir? Sorry to bother you, sir, but I got your cup of Starbucks, just the way you like it, sir." He handed the cup to Ilumini then pulled a wet towel from his belt and began to dab the fake blood from Ilumini's chin.

"My keys. . ." Ilumini said sternly.

"Oh! Yessir, the Mustang is washed and waxed, sir, and ready for your big date tonight," squeaked Zero Night, fetching a set of keys from the pocket of his lime-green khakis and handing them to Ilumini.

"Big date tonight, huh? Who's the lucky lady?" inquired Sultress. She nibbled carefully at an overly ripe and juicy salad tomato.

"Um . . .," Ilumini grinned nervously and ran his fingers through his hair. He tried his best to shoo away Zero who was on his hands and knees attempting to polish his boots. "Actually, I was thinking that maybe you and I . . .that is if you've . . .ya know, got nothing else going on."

She suddenly placed her salad plate on the table and looked at him uneasily.

"You know, I would really like to, Ilumini, really I would, but we have such a wonderful friendship that I'm not sure I want to risk that and all." She began walking for the door leading to the cast parking area.

"Yeah, yeah . . . I was thinking the same thing," stumbled Ilumini, following her towards the door. "I was just kinda thinking that maybe we could have dinner and celebrate the release of the . . ."

She seemed to walk faster as he got closer.

"Filming . . .," he finished weakly, as she got into her midnight blue 2001 Corvette and started up the engine. She let down the drivers side window about half an inch, and peered at him through the designer sunglasses she always wore while driving. He recognized the tone of her voice immediately as she spoke. It was the same condenscending tone with which all great celebrities speak when talking to those they consider inferior.

"You know, Ilumini, I really would like to, but I already made plans tonight with Whoseyourdaddy. Maybe some other time, ok?" With that she sped out of the parking lot and into the hot Californian afternoon.

"Sure, just give me a call . . ." Ilumini whispered meekly. It wasn't as though he hadn't been rejected before. You would be surprised at how many people would flat out reject you if you carried the whole prince of darkness stigma, even if it was just an act.

"Ooooooooh . . .That's gotta hurt!" came the familiar voice of Ridix behind him.

Spidros threw one of his arms around Ilumini's shoulder, and gestured with his free hand towards the Hollywood hills. "Luckily for you, we happen to know of such a marvelous party: a party which will lead us into different callings in life. A party so amazingly party-like that it will forever come to dominate your destiny, or that's the Dark Side. . .well something like that." he said.

"Actually, I think I'm gonna go home, plan a genocide or two, or maybe play some Asheron's Call 2 so I can get more into character," replied Ilumini grimly.

"Dude, wake up. They totally shut down the AC2 servers last month," said Ridix.

"Yeah, that totally sucked. I had a level 14 bow toon on there, and had just bought the expansion," complained Spidros.

Ridix pointed an accusing finger at Spidros and chuckled mockingly. "You bought the expansion pack for AC2. . .heh heh. . .sucka!" he laughed.

"You're so naughty. Yes, we have gourmet chocolates at the refreshment stand every morning, and if you were here right now I would so totally tease you with them. Ok, love you. Bye-bye." Mujuro, who had been on the phone this entire time, finally hung up and joined the three.

"Girlfriend?" inquired Ridix.

"No, my hairdresser Bruce. You have to book him a week in advance," answered Mujuro.

"Well then, I suppose I best be going then," said Ilumini. "You guys go ahead without me. I feel about as low as I did when they cancelled my series 'Ilumini: The Legendary Journeys'."

"Cheer up, Ilumini. The writers did offer you the star role in that other series," added Spidros helpfully.

"I'm sorry, but I won't star in any series entitled, "Ilumini: Warrior Princess'."

"You gotta admit, though, you'd look pretty hot in a studded leather miniskirt. . ."

There was another long, uncomfortable silence as everyone stared at Mujuro.

"Yes, well thank you everyone for trying to cheer me up." Ilumini crossed the lot to his cherry red Mustang which glinted like diamonds in the unrelenting sun. Only Ridix followed him.

"Listen, Ilumini, there are always other fish in the sea. . ."

Ilumini opened the car door and turned to face him.

"It's not about Sultress, Ridix," he said with a heavy sigh.
"It's about this. All of this. How long have we been starring in Asheron's Call? What? Four years now? The writers don't even know what to do with me anymore. They've got me saving little girls from burning buildings for Pete's sake."

Ridix listened intently. Ilumini had never gone off like this, and he knew it must be serious.

"They are even trying to make electronic action figures out of us, Ridix."

"Well, you gotta admit, that's pretty cool."

"Maybe for you, you've got kung fu action grip. All my doll does is rob the kid's piggybanks while they're asleep at night."

"Wow, that's pretty messed up," admitted Ridix, secretly planning to buy the doll for his sister's kids. "But what are you getting at with all of this?"

"Ridix, I'm leaving the Asheron's Call franchise. Dungeons and Dragons is coming out in a couple months and I've been offered a starring role in that." Ilumini got into the Mustang, and with the turn of a key filled the lot with the sound of Trust Company's Downfall.

Ridix looked hurt. Deep down he knew his friend was serious about leaving.

"And I've secured roles for you, Spidros, and a couple of others too," Ilumini finished. He couldn't leave his friends to wither in a geriatric setting. He extended his hand to his friend.

Ridix smiled warmly. Even after all this time he could always count on Ilumini's friendship.

He reached out to take his friend's hand.

Quickly, Ilumini lashed out snatching the gold watch from Ridix's wrist and slamming his foot on the accelerator pedal.

"Hahhahhaha! Neeewwb!" laughed Ilumini happily.

Ridix barely had time to orient himself as he watched Ilumini, the Mustang, and his favorite wristwatch speed away into the distance.

He wasn't upset though. In fact, he even broke a small grin.

After all, if you had to say goodbye one last time . . .