Violent Malygris

I play violent videogames. Have for... well, it's been a long time now. (Let's just say that odds are very, very good that I'm older than you, and that I've been gaming since I was younger than you.) I have de-rezzed more digital scumbags of all sorts than anyone could possibly count. I've shot them, burned them, bombed them, stabbed them, punched them out, thrown them off buildings, run them over with cars, tossed them out of airplanes, strangled them, drowned them... I've committed enough virtual slaughter to make the Holocaust look like a drunken bitchslap. I'm a stone killer in the computer world, and I love it. My trusty Evil Amp goes up to 11, baby.

You know what it's gotten me?

A fat ass and a wonky wrist.

Seriously, people. Videogames are NOT going to turn your kids into killing machines. Videogames are going to turn them into pale, pimply-faced lardasses so obsessed with one more good Mephisto run in Diablo 2 that they can't even be bothered to get up to piss, much less go out and actually snuff somebody. Don't believe me? Look at the gamers you know. Hell, look at yourself. Do you look like a killing machine? We can even lower the standards a bit - do you look like someone who could carry an assault rifle and a bit of ammo at a jogging pace for more than a block before you had to stop for a bag of Fritos and a smoke?

Be honest.

We can take it further than that, too. Let's say, just for argument's sake, that you actually managed to drag your flabbed-out labanza up to the top of the water-tower, along with a good rifle and a couple-hundred rounds. Great. Now what? Think your l33t Quake skillz are going to help you drop the bag lady at 200 meters? Probably not - I could be wrong here - but I'd say probably not. And, so you know, it's gonna take a little more effort to load that rifle than just dropping the magazine on the ground and stepping on it.

There's a reason people who join the army are put through eight weeks of physical torture before they're allowed to be soldiers. It's that intense training regimen that gives them the physical and mental attributes necessary to be effective killers. Gamers, on the other hand, are more apt to be effective Dorito-eaters, for instance.

I'm sure there are people who will point out instances like the Columbine shootings as an example of violent youths who were gamers. My rebuttal? Two individuals armed with rifles, pistols and explosives walk into a busy high school in the middle of the afternoon, and they only manage to waste 12 people? Christ! I've been more bloodshed at a hockey game. If this proves any sort of link between videogames and behavioural patterns in youths, it's only that too much gaming makes you fat, lazy, and stupid.

The fact is, the only threat a hardcore gamer presents is to himself, through the grossly-increased likelihood of a Squeeze-Cheeze-induced stroke before the age of 30. Killing someone in real life would involve turning off Earth and Beyond, getting up from the god-damned chair, and actually going outside. Outside! Can you imagine? Like the man said, "Aren't there bears outside?"

Man. All that effort just to go shoot someone. Who needs the hassle? Pass the Ho-Ho's, I've got a Clan match coming up.

- Malygris