Eight Things That Make No Sense

You might as well stop reading this right now, if you're looking for something informative, insightful, or just generally entertaining. Seriously. Since I wrapped up Tribunal, I've had nothing new to play, so I'm blasting through Descent: Freespace in yet another bout of catch-up gaming. (It's a surprisingly good space combat sim, by the way, far better than I ever expected. Been sitting on my shelf for years.) I'll likely be following this up with yet another old game - Thief 2. The biggest gaming news in my life is the arrival today of my Morrowind wall clock, purchased online from Café Press. Nice clock - too bad the fucking thing ended up costing me about 45 bucks after shipping and exchange were figured in. Somebody please take away my Visa.

Anyway, with absolutely nothing going on in my particular corner of the gaming world, I'm left with bugger all to say here. Amazing, isn't it? Some people - like my wife, for instance - seem to honestly believe that the universe would come to a fiery end if my squeal-hole ever stayed shut for more than three minutes. And yet, here we are. Nothing to say, nothing to write. Ho-hum.

Still here? Fine. Maybe you can help me out.

I quite often find myself with a lot of time on my hands, and very little to occupy my mind. It's a dangerous combination. It leads me to spend a significant amount of time thinking about things that are simply too unimportant and/or stupid for a "normal" person to even briefly consider. But for me, they become gnawing, unanswerable questions that linger at the forefront of my mind for hours on end. Is this making any sense? No? Well, whatever. Maybe you can help me figure some of this shit out.

1. Why do spaceships in space combat sims like Wing Commander, X-Wing, and Freespace fly like airplanes? There's no atmosphere in space. And why do most of these ships have wings in the first place? Like, X-Wings. What's the point?

2. In big RPGs like Baldur's Gate or Morrowind, when do you bathe? Brush your teeth? Wash your hair? It seems to me that after spending hours and days walking around the wilderness in a full suit of armor, lugging around several hundred pounds of l00t, you'd be pretty stinky. And yet, you never seem to repulse the chicks. How's that happen? Is there some kind of hidden spell I don't know about, like Mordenkaiden's Faithful Deodorant? It seems to me that someone like the Saviour of Arx Fatalis shouldn't be the reekiest guy in town. And how do you take a quick dump while you're wearing a full suit of plate mail, anyway?

3. Max Payne, Will Rock, and Duke Nukem walk into a bar. Is there any funny way to finish this joke?

4. Why does a company like Looking Glass Studios, responsible for such brilliant titles as the Ultima Underworld games, the System Shock series, and the landmark Thief titles, go tits-up, while in the space of three years there have been something like 11 Deer Hunter sequels published? I mean, I know companies fail from time to time, but come on, people. Deer Hunter? Explain yourselves.

5. I've spent literally thousands of dollars on computer games over the years. I've got two decent-sized bookshelves filled with game boxes, and other assorted game paraphernalia strewn about the room. And when I walk into my local EB, which I've been patronizing for years, and ask for some game poster I have an interest in, I'm told I can't have it for one stupid reason or another. And yet, when I send my girlfriend in to ask for the same thing - my girlfriend who has no interest in gaming whatsoever - all she has to do is jiggle her boobs a bit and she comes out with not just the poster, but also an Icewind Dale touque and a Baldur's Gate 2 mousepad. Okay, so the reasons for this are obvious - but tell me, where is the god-damned justice in it?

6. What ever happened to CH Products? I've got a seriously swank CH controller setup here from the mid-90's - F-16 Combat Stick, Pro Throttle, and Rudder Pedals - and they're still working perfectly. CH had a reputation for being one of the top controller makers of their time, but when I went to their web site recently to download updated drivers (so I could properly play the aforementioned Freespace), things seemed to have deteriorated considerably. The website looked like it was designed by a grade six class in 1995, their product selection was almost non-existent, and their Speedkeys software was last updated in 1997. What went wrong?

7. You're the Supreme Commander of the Imperial Army, Grand Dragon of the Phoenix Legions, Conqueror of the Infidels and Ruler Of All You Survey. Your command is law, your power absolute. Millions will die at your word. So why the FUCK do you have to keep telling these chumps to go chop down trees?

8. It's illegal to copy and distribute computer games. It's illegal to copy and distribute copyrighted music. But is it illegal to copy and distribute music from computer games? When I'm sitting here listening to my Planescape: Torment soundtrack (which was a serious pain in the ass to extract, by the way), am I unknowingly thumbing my nose at The Man?

I was going to try to make this list an even ten, but you know what? I can't be bothered. I think that's enough confusion for one night anyway. It may be a sad commentary on my life that these are the sorts of things I think about, but it's true. And if I could get even just one or two of those burning questions answered, it'd make it all worthwhile.

So help me out!

Email if you dare!